Caring for an Elderly Parent Without Ruining Your Relationship

Caring for an elderly parent can strain the relationship. Keep these issues in mind to protect your relationship while caring for a parent.

Caring for an elderly parent is not easy.  If you have elderly parents, you might have to provide caregiving services at some point.  Whether that concept means hands-on personal assistance with things like bathing, dressing, grooming, and feeding, or handling their finances and making decisions for them, this change in your roles can be challenging for you and your parent. If you enjoy a great relationship with your parent, the initial conversation about these issues may be easier and you may find the suggestions I made in this Kevin’s Korner very helpful.  https://youtu.be/UI8mMp2ZnWg

But even if you don’t, its important to realize your parent’s condition may affect your relationship, and you want to be prepared so you can care for your loved one without worsening your relationship.  Here are some issues to consider about how to help your elderly parent without ruining your relationship.

It’s Usually Not “Leave It to Beaver”

Many people grow up seeing fictional families on television and wishing their parents and siblings got along better. No families measure up to the imaginary ones of fiction.  In fact, quite a few people have strained interactions with their parents.

Relationships carry the baggage of the past. It is not helpful for people to tell you to forget about the past. Your parent is the same person with whom you have had conflict, which means he or she will continue to do things that upset you. If your parent was extremely authoritarian or independent, it will be difficult for him or her to accept someone telling them what to do – especially one of their children.

Patience versus Doormat

You should try to be understanding of what your parent is going through, losing independence, feeling less valuable or powerful or no longer acting as a primary decision maker for the family. He might get confused and forget you already did things, he now accuses you of not doing. He might also be dealing with chronic pain and other health issues.  Some diseases such as dementia cause paranoia, and your parent might become suspicious of you because of it.

You should, however, set boundaries. Getting old does not give your parent a right to be physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. Be firm with your parent, if any of these things happen. Being a dutiful son or daughter does not include being a doormat. Calmly inform your parent of the behavior that is not acceptable. You might need to have someone in social services arrange for counseling to help your parent adjust to the reality of aging and needing assistance.

Get Help

Caregiving takes a toll on the financial and physical health of the caregiver.  Understand that even though you love your parent, you don’t have to do everything.  Consider speaking with a care manager who can work with you to establish a care plan for your parent and help you hire other service providers to care for your parent.  This will relieve some of your burden, and give you a sense of comfort knowing your parent is cared for.  See this blog for more details.  https://www.galliganmanning.com/long-term-care-whats-it-all-about/

The Silver Lining

For some people, this stage of life is a time to deal with unfinished business. You can talk out problems or questions. You might be able to resolve conflicts that could have caused you regrets down the road. The best approach for this goal to tread lightly. Remember that your parent might be frail no matter what they might think, and you should not assault them with a long list of criticisms and complaints.

Address only one piece of a small issue in a visit, and do not dredge up unpleasant topics in every visit. You do not want your parent to dread seeing you. Be the kind of person you might wish your parent had been when you were a child – kind, compassionate and nurturing.

Those of you who have enjoyed a happy, healthy relationship with your parents can deepen your mutual affection and interaction. Since your parent is no longer rushing around to work and raise a family, you can have uninterrupted conversations and create memories to treasure. People who have had strained relationships might reach the point at which they have pleasant times and treasured memories with their elderly parents.

References:

A Place for Mom. “Parenting the Parent: Caring for Elderly Parents.” (accessed August 21, 2019 ) https://www.aplaceformom.com/planning-and-advice/articles/caring-for-elderly-parents

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Checklist When Visiting Assisted Living Facilities

When visiting an assisted living for you or your loved one, ask the right questions to find a safe, affordable community with quality care.

When you are trying to find an assisted living community for yourself or a loved one, you need to do your homework to find at least three candidates that meet all the needs of the future resident. After you have narrowed your search down to those facilities, you should visit each one with the person who will be living there. Know what you want to look for before you visit the first center, so you will get all the information you need from every facility.

It is easy to get overwhelmed in the process of finding the right assisted living community. To help you in this quest, use this checklist when visiting assisted living facilities.

  1. First impressions count. Pay close attention to your initial thoughts and feelings about the assisted living center as you approach and enter. Your instincts often pick up on “micro-symptoms” that can indicate a problem, even before you notice the issue itself.
  2. Try to see down the road. Visualize yourself or your loved one actually living at the assisted living community. Ask yourself if you would be happy there. Pay attention to whether you feel comfortable or anxious. Evaluate whether the staff and other residents are friendly and inviting.  Does this facility have skilled nursing on site?  If the resident’s health worsens, would they have to move?
  3. Use your Nose. When you walk through the building, pay attention to the smells. You should not be able to detect any unpleasant odors. Strong “cover-up” scents are also a potential warning that the place likely has cleanliness issues.
  4. Look for dirt, dust, and grime in the obvious locations and places, like the baseboards and windows. Cleanliness counts in an assisted living facility.
  5. The staff in action. Watch the staff when they are interacting with the residents. Look at the body language of both the staff and residents.  Is the staff courteous and warm?  Are the residents resentful or fearful? Keep looking until you find an assisted living facility where both the residents and the staff are happy, warm and friendly.
  6. The proof is in the pudding. Good food is one of the highlights for many people who reside in assisted living. Visit during mealtime and arrange to eat a meal there. Find out if the meals are both nutritious and tasty. Get a copy of the monthly menus to check for variety. Find out the center’s policy, when a resident cannot come to the dining room.
  7. Explore the both outdoor areas and the indoor facilities. Make sure that your loved one would be safe when enjoying some fresh air outside.
  8. The current residents. You can find out valuable information from the people who already live at the center. Without making them feel uncomfortable, notice whether the residents are well-groomed and wearing clean clothes. Sit and visit with some residents. Let them know you are considering this community for yourself or a loved one. Ask for their advice. Find out if they have to wait a long time for personal care or other services. If so, the facility is likely under-staffed.
  9. Check the price.  Assisted living isn’t cheap, but don’t let price drive the decision.  If you go to the cheapest place, you can expect to get a matching level of care.  Instead, consider the price and then consider how you’ll pay for assisted living.  Medicaid isn’t always available for assisted living, but may be if health worsens and your loved one is in a nursing home.  Perhaps the Veterans Administration offers a benefit you can use, or perhaps you have long-term care insurance.  See our Elder Law page for a longer overview.  https://www.galliganmanning.com/practice-areas/elder-law/ 

In the end, this is an important decision and you should do your homework to find the right assisted living for your or your loved one.

References:

A Place for Mom. “Tips for Touring Assisted Living Communities.” (accessed August 7, 2019) https://www.aplaceformom.com/planning-and-advice/articles/tips-for-touring-assisted-living

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Why an Attorney Should Help with a Medicaid Application

Seniors should consider medicaid asset protection planning as part of their estate plan.
Hiring an attorney to prepare a Medicaid application may save money in the long run and get your loved one the care they need.

Elder law attorneys can be very helpful when it is time to complete a Medicaid application, and they can save money in the long run, ensuring that you (or a loved one) get the best care. Instead of waiting to see how wrong the process can get, says The Middletown Press, it’s best to “Use a lawyer for Medicaid planning” right from the start. Here’s why.

Conflict of interests. When a nursing home refers a family to people for preparing the Medicaid application or offers to complete it themselves, very often the person has dual loyalties: to the nursing home who refers them the work (or signs their checks), and to the family who will pay them a fee for help with applying for benefits. Whose interests comes first?

Everyone wants the Medicaid application to be successful, but let’s be realistic. It’s in the nursing home’s best interest that the resident pays privately for as long as possible, before going on Medicaid. It’s in the resident or family member’s best interest to protect the family’s assets for care for the resident’s spouse or family.

An attorney has a duty of loyalty only to his client. He also has an ethical and professional responsibility to put her client’s needs ahead of her own.

Saving money is possible. Nursing homes in some areas cost as much as $15,000 a month, in Texas they tend to be cheaper, but still in the several thousands.  While every market and every law practice is different, it would be unusual for legal fees to cost more than a month in the facility. With an experienced attorney’s help, you might save more than her fee in long-term care and related costs.

Further, attorneys can find ways to complete a Medicaid application and successfully obtain benefits without simply spending all of your assets before applying.  Many times nursing home staff will offer to do the Medicaid application after the assets are nearly entirely spent.  A quality elder law attorney will find ways to complete and file a successful Medicaid application while protecting your legacy.

The benefit of experience. It’s all well and good to read through pages of online information (Google, Esq.), but nothing beats the years of experience that an attorney who practices in this area can bring provide.  Any professional in any field develops knowledge of the ins and outs of an area and applying for Medicaid is no different. Without experience, it’s hard to know how it all works.  See Mary’s blog for more detail about how an attorney helps with this process.  https://www.galliganmanning.com/when-you-need-an-elder-law-attorney/

Peace of mind from a reliable, reputable source. Consulting with an experienced attorney about a Medicaid application will help you avoid years of wondering, if there was more you could have done to help yourself or your loved one.

There are multiple opportunities for nursing home residents to preserve assets for themselves and spouses, children and grandchildren, particularly when a family member has long term care needs. However, here’s a key fact: if you wait for the last minute, there will be far less options than if you begin planning long before there’s a need for a Medicaid application.

Reference: The Middletown Press (July 29, 2019) “Use a lawyer for Medicaid planning”

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